Okay, I've not been able to update regularly for awhile. So I'm going to share some of my written journal/prayer journal here.
Feb 4th -
I discovered today that no matter how much I don't like it, there's always going to be a part of me willing to be good ol reliable Angel. Willing to let others walk over her no matter how unintentional. Not happy.
God, give me the strength to say no and the courage to stick with it and the grace of tongue not to hurt feelings in the process.......
Went to church this AM at MFWC. It was good. The new pastor is very down to earth and I really think he's going to do great things in the Lord.
Payday is tomorrow and I can't wait to go put some more money on J's bible. I think its meant to be HIS bible. I also need to pick up a new test. I BELIVE that this one will be positive. I think when Stef put her hands on me that the Blessing was intended for my ovaries, for my womb. This test is going to say yes. Yes there's a reason I have to pee 200000 times a day lately. Yes there's a reason J's banana peppers made me nauseous when they never have before. There's a reason. God is giving us our greatest desire! Thank you Lord for all blessings now and in the future, Amen.
Feb 7th. Payday! Paid our bills and what not this morning. We still have about 500 in account going to go buy groceries and other goodies. Put more money on J's Bible. I did pick up a new test kit. Can't wait to take it, but I'm nervous too! I haven't told J about the test yet. I'll show him when it comes back positive! I can't wait.
Feb 8th -
God, I know You love me. Did I misunderstand? Was it wishful thinking? Was my faith not strong enough? The test said no but I was so very sure it would be yes.....
Feb 10th -
I hurt so much right now. And its such an emotional hurt, it sucks. I thought I was doing good with my weight loss. I didn't journal yesterday cause I just felt too crappy. I still feel crappy. Noone around me seems to understand why this upset me so much. Don't let it bother me is what they keep saying. Sure, lets see it not bother you then if you were being denied your greatest desire.