Life

I know its been months since I posted anything and I apoligize but it just feels like everything is on hold right now. Our lives our on hold until we find some employment. We've been on unemployment since October and have had no luck of finding permanent employment since then. There's all kinds of temp jobs but if either of us take those it knocks out our unemployment and the minute the job is over we're 100% out of money. It's very frustrating.

Whew!

Well life's sure been interesting lately. Two weeks ago my dog Dutchess disappeared from the back yard. Last night she just randomly appeared again out of the blue. So happy to have my baby girl back home where she's supposed to be.We went to visit some friends that live about 2 hours away, had a great time with them but on the way home our alternator died. Had to wait for a friend to come get us in the middle of the boondocks. We met some cool people that kept us company until our friend could get there though. My hubby is doing the work on our car himself and I love him for it. It's not something either of us has had to do but he's getting it. It would have got finished today but it just got too dark and too cold to bother with at a certain point. No point in getting sick pushing to do tonight what can more easily be done in daylight.

As to baby making, I haven't made up my mind about the metformin XR. Right now it's just sitting on my bathroom shelf. I dread taking it. The other form of it did nothing but leave me miserable day in and day out and I don't mind telling you that I'm afraid this will do the same. The fact that I had to basically beg the dr to try me on something, anything else does little to alleviate my concerns. The last month I was on it I stayed so sick to my stomach I couldn't do anything. I stayed in bed or on the couch. I couldn't walk or anything and the doctors attitude was like she couldn't really care. So right now I'm stuck where I don't know what I want to do or what I need to do.

A plea

A prayer i sent to my friends, just needing their support.
These ladies mean so much to me. I did however change their names for privacy sake.

• • Hey guys I really need everyones prayers tonight. The PCOS and my dr have both got me really frustraated. So far I've lost between 30-40 lbs except for the last few weeks. I've been so sick from the metformin the last few weeks that doing anything has been almost impossible between the nausea, running to the bathroom and stomach pains it causes.
    
    The feeling I got from the dr today was 'i can't do anything until you lose more weight.' Well I was losing fine til you put me on this stupid medicine!!!! She said since I hadn't lost anything this las monthd it must be because of too much calories.... I've knocked off pop, I eat more veggies if we go out... i eat more veggies in general... I don't eat cake or brownies or cookies... I hardly eat bread... I'm so FRUSTRATED!
    
    And all I've done is cry off and on most of the day. All we want is a baby. That's it. Just one. That shouldln't be too much to ask should it? I feel like a failure as a wife and as a woman.
• Mills
  

  • Don't feel like a failure! My grandma had to wait ten years before she could get pregnant. She was 15 when she got married and almost a year after they were married, my grandpa went off to Germany (not on vacation or anything, it was WW2 lol)...when he came back, it was about eight more years before she ever got pregnant with my auntie and she was also told by her doc. to lose weight. Soooo, she lost weight. No baby. She gained it back. No baby. She lost half of it again, got pregnant. I'll definitely pray for you. Heck, we can even be dieting buddies. I've been dieting off and on for weeks and have lost a few pounds. I need to get more serious about it anyhow...
• Katie Did

  • Oh honey, you are not a failure. We love you, and you are not a failure. I have put in prayer requests for you at my church. I love you, I love you, I love you.
    Candy
• • Angel there comes a time in the weight loss process that you kind of get stuck with a weight.. What you've been doing is amazing and your progress is amazing! Try walking a little everyday and if you already walk then walk a little further even if it's just parking farther away from the doors at Walmart.. That's still considered working your body.. You can do it girl.. Don't ever let anyone tell you any different.. I'm proud of you for wanting something and pushing for it! Good luck
JoJo
• • Hang in there. Dieting isn't easy and the last 20lbs are the absolute hardest to lose. You are not a failure. I truly believe God will give You a baby when He sees fit. Keep working on the weight loss and with that and God's help you'll be mommy soon. Love you, AngelBear. Everything will work out...eventually. Don't feel like less of a woman though.
Igido
• • Angel, you are NOT a failure as a wife or woman. You know what I went through trying and it never happened. But it WILL for you! And screw them saying it's because you need to lose weight...that's a bunch of crock. I have a cousin who weighs 500 pounds and she had four kids at that weight. You have to just trust that you will get pregnant when it is time for you to get pregnant and try not to stress over it so much. THAT can have a lot to do with it honey. Once you relax and BELIEVE you will get pregnant and WILL it...you will.
    Sissy
• • Angel love, you aren't a failure. Never think that sis. *hugs* You are a wonderful wife and a lady. You will have a kiddo sissy. You will do it. I know you will. and Jayson loves you. You already have one very special gift. I"m so proud of you for what you've already been through. You'll make it through this!
Heather
• • Hang in there Angel dear, I know you are frustrated but hang in there, I know you can do this. I have faith in you. I trust in you and I know there are times we need to put it in the hands of God. I believe in you and so does he. Hang in there, I believe in you.
    
    SIS Rogers
• • Angel my prayers are for you, God is for you so who can be against you? To everyone is given faith "as a grain of mustard seed" yet if we water not that grain the outer casing (which is what we see with the natural eye) would not die or disappear releasing what we can not see (not yet born) so that it take root, spring forth and grow to become a tree that will reproduce of its own kind. Therefore (because of this gracious living word of faith) I speak life to you today let the WORD run into you watering this seed of faith that you BELIEVE and RECIEVE, CARRY and BIRTH what Father God has for you NOW in the name of our Lord and Saviour Christ
    So it will be, so it will be, so it will be .........IF you only BELIEVE! Having done all (in the natural) STAND and STAND THEREFORE on this word Father has given you, believing (accepting) nothing else within. ANN Rogers
Cindy
• • you are not a falure!! it will happen, don't worry. Just keep praying and i wil pray for you too. You are a wonderful person and so is your husband. Good things happen to people like you guys. SO HANG IN THERE.
    
    Debbie
• • Angel,
    I know firsthand how you are feeling. I dont know if you remember or not, but Steve and I had difficulties in conceiving for YEARS. Over 3 to be exact. It is heartbreaking when everyone you know is having babies, but you must not harbor bitterness or resentment, you must be happy for their blessings and have faith that God WILL bless you in HIS time. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things NOT seen. You have to see with your spiritual eyes and CLAIM God's promises! It happened for me when I released that bitterness and hopelessness and put my total trust in God knowing that He has everything under control. My stress levels went down, and I had an overwhelming peace that only God can give...an assurance of his might power and his faithfulness to His promises. Stress is one of your worst enemies right now, it really does work against your body in sooo many different ways. Just remember, a baby is a miracle, a gift from God. No Dr, no pill, no amount of weight loss is gonna assure you that gift...only Jesus Christ. Do all that you can do, then let God do the rest. Speak those promises daily to yourself with your husband...that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done unto them of my Father which is in heaven. (Matt 18:19) You will be in my prayers Angel. Just remember, NO ONE is a failure with God on their side. He hasn't failed once and He's not going to start now! Love you, girl.
Sandy
• • You need to not be so hard on yourself. I know that is easier for me to say than for you to do - but you need to.
    
    You have heard the saying, "Let go and let God"? It's true. God's timing is not the same as ours. If it is not happening for you right now, then I firmly believe that is because God says "Wait".
    
    What I think you should do is -----relax - -pray --- trust God. And in the mean time - take care of your future child's mother. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
    
    My doc says - limit carbs, sugars and walk - 30 minutes, briskley, for 30 minutes a day.
    
    Love ya!

Catching up.

Okay, I've not been able to update regularly for awhile. So I'm going to share some of my written journal/prayer journal here.


Feb 4th -

I discovered today that no matter how much I don't like it, there's always going to be a part of me willing to be good ol reliable Angel. Willing to let others walk over her no matter how unintentional. Not happy.

Feb 5h
God, give me the strength to say no and the courage to stick with it and the grace of tongue not to hurt feelings in the process.......
Went to church this AM at MFWC. It was good. The new pastor is very down to earth and I really think he's going to do great things in the Lord.

Feb 6th
Payday is tomorrow and I can't wait to go put some more money on J's bible. I think its meant to be HIS bible. I also need to pick up a new test. I BELIVE that this one will be positive. I think when Stef put her hands on me that the Blessing was intended for my ovaries, for my womb. This test is going to say yes. Yes there's a reason I have to pee 200000 times a day lately. Yes there's a reason J's banana peppers made me nauseous when they never have before. There's a reason. God is giving us our greatest desire! Thank you Lord for all blessings now and in the future, Amen.

Feb 7th. Payday! Paid our bills and what not this morning. We still have about 500 in account going to go buy groceries and other goodies. Put more money on J's Bible. I did pick up a new test kit. Can't wait to take it, but I'm nervous too! I haven't told J about the test yet. I'll show him when it comes back positive! I can't wait.

Feb 8th -

God, I know You love me. Did I misunderstand? Was it wishful thinking? Was my faith not strong enough? The test said no but I was so very sure it would be yes.....

Feb 10th -
I hurt so much right now. And its such an emotional hurt, it sucks. I thought I was doing good with my weight loss. I didn't journal yesterday cause I just felt too crappy. I still feel crappy. Noone around me seems to understand why this upset me so much. Don't let it bother me is what they keep saying. Sure, lets see it not bother you then if you were being denied your greatest desire.

Back again

Being unemployed is boring. We get tired of being home and thus go harass our friends and family on a pretty much daily basis... unless we have an empty gas tank, like right now. On the up side we spent all of today with our friends, had lasagna, watchedfootball and just hung out. I'm amused by their children.
Two teenage girls and an 11 yr old son.
The eldest has a 'best friend' who just screams BOYFRIEND. We're all amused.
On other news I have to go on the 29th to be squished. I am not looking forward to his. I do not want to be squished, I am in fact quite unhappy about the thought of being squished. After that I go to the dr for some PCOS follow up and to hopefully find out whats going on with my stomach so we'll see how it all goes.

So since the last update....

Sorry it's been a bit.
We are laid off and I swear we are home less now than we were before.
Since my last update I a bit of a medical issue. We found a bump in my right breast that had us freaked out.
We had an ultrasound done on it recently though and it appears to be a benign cyst - information that we are both quite happy about.
So in a couple of weeks we'll be back on track because the dr wouldn't even talk to me about my PCOS last time, we had to get things sorted out for what was going on with that lump first.
So now hopefully I can get back in to my dr again and see what our next options are for trying to get on the baby train lol
So until next time!

Seriously freaked out. I have a lump in my right breast. I know that lumps can be triggered by hormonal changes, and with PCOS that could be anything. Since we don't have insurance the clinic I go to is sending me to a surgeon who will examine me and see if I need to have a mammogram. That way a program pays for the visit and the mammogram and I don't have to pay anything. In the mean time I'm staring at a lump in my boob and freaking out. Aaaaah.

But on a more positive note I have lost 20 lbs and my bp and pulse are perfect :)